Funny Irish Toasts Old and New

Photo of a copyright free Irish clover for Irish toastsIrish toasts are filled with well wishes, references to drinking, and hopes for the devil’s delayed awareness of one’s death.

In preparation for St. Patrick’s Day, some genuine Irish toasts, followed by some New Funny Ones!  Read On.

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint– and another one!

May you be in heaven a full half hour
before the devil knows your dead.

May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and never catch up.

May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!

May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.

May you have food and raiment, a soft pillow for your head. May you be forty years in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead.

May the roof above you never fall in,
And those gathered beneath it never fall out.

An Irish Toast for a Bachelor
May you have nicer legs than yours under the table before the new spuds are up.

Source: Irish toasts at Island Ireland.com, the home of many more real Irish toasts and proverbs.

Now here are some NEW Irish toasts to prepare you for March 17.  Memorize them beforehand and toast away!

May the devil confuse your child with a potato and fail to take it.

May your house be exactly the right size to hold all your friends, but in comfortable positions.

Here’s to enough beer to drink, enough whiskey to be drunk, and a wife that doesn’t beat you too hard, when you come home completely inebriated. 

May you never gain access to an automobile.

May your potatoes grow big, your children grow fat, your bar tab grow long, and your shamrocks grow flat.

May wild dogs find your body before the devil knows your dead, unless you’ve been good, but we know you haven’t been.

Click on the hat to turn into a leprechaun!
 

Here’s to a pint, two pints and some cabbage,  And plenty of coins in your couch when you rummage.

May you not confuse your wife’s sister with a wild hog and shoot her by accident.

May the road to the bar be flat in both directions.  With no cars, especially on the way back.  And sufficient safety features.  And not be a popular route of the devil.

 

 

May the bartender have failed arithmetic.

May your roof cave in,

if you lack for libations,

So you don’t suffer long,

from hallucinations.

Soon after he discovers your mother’s dead, may the devil ask for directions from a disoriented, drunken bum.

May your dog be the loyalest,

your friends be the bestest,

may the devil just find you,

wearing pants of asbestos. 

 

← Legitimate Irish toasts book (unlike these made-up ones)

Here’s to the devil being on vacation in case you get shot by a jealous spouse.

If you don’t wear green,

You’d better move fast,

Otherwise,

You’ll get pinched on your arm.

 

 

 

 

What’s worse than the snakes that St. Patrick drove out of Ireland?  Diluted whiskey! Traditional Irish whiskey stones chill any beverage without adding nasty, useless ice-cube water. Why dilute fine whiskey when you can rock it? 

Your turn!  Share your favorite Irish toast or add another new one.

Breath Spray Bestows Instant Irish Accent Use Irish accent breath spray before making a traditional Irish toast.  

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Shamrock photo credit: Wikipedia Commons 

Looking for Irish gifts? Or just a bit of Irish luck? Or more Irish toasts and limericks?

If you enjoyed this, you might enjoy Leprechaun with a Gun

News: The Book of Kells inscribed 1,200 years ago, now online.  Kells canvas 2

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24 Responses to Funny Irish Toasts Old and New

  1. Rose Webster says:

    Oh, I also like:
    May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!
    But my version (for female superheroes) is:
    May you always have a spare thong, a good work ethic, and enough guts to take down the cyber cons.

  2. Sue Neal says:

    Great fun – I think my favourite’s the one about misfortune never catching you up.

    Not sure about the bartender who can’t add up – that wouldn’t necessarily fall in your favour!

    Sue
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  3. Rose Webster says:

    Oh Astro G, I especially like “May the bartender have failed arithmetic.” Did you know that those in eastern Canada celebrate St. Patrick’s Day on Sunday and Monday? Check out: http://www.squidoo.com/handbags-shoes-for-st-patricks-day

  4. Matt Harvath says:

    Being half Irish, I enjoyed this post. Well done. There is nothing like an Irish Toast and no one like a Drunken Irishman
    Matt Harvath recently posted..Egyptian Man Cuts off His Penis; A Dog Eats ItMy Profile
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  5. I haven’t seen much of Irish costume before without the green long hat in football matches and I like that bur these new stuffs are also cool to see. Thanks for inform about few funny but fantastic outlook :)!
    Emma Peterson recently posted..National Learning Disabilities Week this week – HCD in SheffieldMy Profile

  6. “May your potatoes grow big, your children grow fat, your bar tab grow long, and your shamrocks grow flat”. that’s really hilarious. i really enjoyed reading your post with amazing detailing with so much comic stories involved.
    Sunil Prajapat recently posted..Best 5 Easy Recommended Tips for Creating Quality ContentMy Profile

  7. Jessie from CarLoanRates.org says:

    I love these quotes, I think that I will need to use them when I get together with friends for a few drinks!
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  8. Noah from Xbox 720 says:

    I loved all of them, I especially liked this one: May the roof above you never fall in,
    And those gathered beneath it never fall out. It’s so true!
    Noah from Xbox 720 recently posted..Remedy To Debut Alan Wake 2 On Xbox 720?My Profile

  9. Tony Payne says:

    There is nothing quite like an Irish Toast is there. The Irish certainly have the gift of the gab.
    Tony Payne recently posted..Yorkshire JokesMy Profile

  10. rai from postcard print service says:

    Cool list. It made me remember how we celebrated St. Patrick’s Day this year. And by the way, I so love the line “May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and never catch up.” That’s really my wish, to be lucky all my lifetime.

  11. Why 95 and shot by a Jealous spouse, such an odd specific age. Very funny some of these.
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  12. canciones says:

    I hope that u have enjoyed the st patricks day, in spain we have had more than a couple of toast. Great article, I will use it for the next St Patricks day. ;)
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  13. Stephen Peters from how to get more money you earn says:

    Hi Astro,

    Those are a riot. I like “May your house be exactly the right size to hold all your friends, but in comfortable positions”. That seems to fit me in this station in life. … We just moved into a home 1/4 the size of our previous home. It is all good with our friends comfortable and pleasant views of the surrounding country side.

    My Best,
    Stephen
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  14. Ma.Dharess says:

    Happy St. Patrick’s Day everyone! Anyway, this is a good idea to joke at that day but make sure it a good joke and not a bad one…
    Ma.Dharess recently posted..On Line 3d Tv Samsung Vs Sony ReviewMy Profile

  15. Pete says:

    Great one… I love it! I’m heading to a St Patty’s and Irish Festival this weekend woo hoo… Corned beef, cabbage, beer – what more can we ask for? I will especially look forward to the Irish toasts this weekend.
    Pete recently posted..learn more about buildingMy Profile

  16. Beth says:

    Love it! Being half Irish I have a special affinity for St Patricks day, here’s one I always remember from my Grandfather

    Saint Patrick was a gentleman
    Who through strategy and stealth
    Drove all the snakes from Ireland

    Here’s a toasting to his health
    But not too many toastings
    Lest you lose yourself and then
    Forget the good Saint Patrick
    And see all those snakes again

    ‘Beannachtam na Feile Padraig!’
    Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
    Beth recently posted..How To Mend a Broken RelationshipMy Profile

  17. Thank you Jeremy, Samantha, Michael, Lanaya, Nicholle, and Morgan! I’m a bad blogger for not responding individually! But unless I’m mistaken I’ve visited every one of your great sites and left a comment of my own. Love you guys for your encouragement and kind words, :)
    Astro Gremlin recently posted..Blogs News Reviews Writer Wins Blog Engage Gold MembershipMy Profile

  18. Morgan from Sociable Boost says:

    Haha, these are great! We’re going out on St. Patty’s Day so we’re definitely going to have to use some of these! :) Thanks for sharing!
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  19. What a funny stuff St. Patricks Day, you make me laugh at this. Anyway, I saw this kind of stuff somewhere but I couldn’t remember. By the way, thanks a lot!
    Nicholle Olores recently posted..Timber Joinery Showroom At Allkind Joinery And Glass Nearly CompleteMy Profile
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  20. Lanaya says:

    Really cool stuff… You really had a very creative preparation for next weeks event.. Good Luck for it! :)
    Lanaya recently posted..How To Conceive TwinsMy Profile

  21. Michael Belk says:

    Astro, I do not know much about The Irish holiday, but I use to party on the day. I never heard of these rituals.
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  22. Samantha says:

    I think it really funny kind of funny stuff joining in St.Patrick’s Day is really fun..Thanks for sharing this to us..
    Samantha recently posted..Spa RepairsMy Profile

  23. Jeremy says:

    Funny stuff. Well it’s still a week before St. Patrick’s Day, but I think these toasts are good excuse to have some beers tonight. I am part Irish after all.
    Jeremy recently posted..Beginning of March 2012 Blog UpdateMy Profile
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