How To Be an Internet Guru in 9 Easy Steps

Do you want to be an Internet guru?  

Would you like throngs of customers to make you rich by buying your secrets to Internet riches?  

photo of a greek soldier for how to be an internet guru

Are you being held back by a lack of actual secrets or even basic knowledge?

Don’t despair.  You are not alone.

Here are 9 easy steps to becoming an Internet guru

1) Don’t worry about having actual information. Knowledge is overrated in the Internet guru business.  Attitude is everything.  Imply that you are rich and famous, even though you are admittedly dumb and lazy.

2) Promise big.  People looking to make riches on the Internet are dreamers.  They want to dream big.  Tell them that by using your “system” they can quit their day job, become unspeakably happy, and generate huge wads of cash.  This can all be their’s without doing any real work, just purchasing your “system” and some typing.

3)  Write an e-book discussing your “system.”  Make sure not to include actual details.  Include the phrase “millions of dollars” as often as you can.  Don’t make your book too long and please

4)  Don’t mention the “W word.”  “Work” has four letters, of a phony greek soldier for how to be an internet guru

5) Sell your “system.”  Your e-book will prepare your readers to cash in on the riches they feel they deserve.  Every page should have a link to buy the secret “system” that made you rich and famous.  People who feel they deserve quick riches typically don’t like reading for very long.

6) Price your “system” at $500.  But quickly assure your new friends that, as devoted readers of your e-book, if they act today they can snag the bargain price of $99.

7) Imply that you may have lost your mind. But you care so deeply about alleviating human suffering and helping people like them quit the W word, that you, for a brief time, you have decided to give away the secret of Internet riches for only $99.  Point out that this tiny fee barely compensates you for getting up off your couch to check the vast wealth being cranked out by your automated “system,” which they themselves will soon acquire.  Strangely, your target customer will utterly empathize with your need to be paid handsomely for interrupting lounging.

8 ) Create your “system.”  Don’t worry too much about this step.  Pull a bunch of articles off the Internet and paste them together.  Make sure to put in every possible piece of technical direction.  Include the requisite advice “Content is king” and “Write epic shit.”

9) Offer a money back guarantee.  If someone buys your system, completes every step and doesn’t become fabulously wealthy, they can have their money back.  Don’t worry. The kind of gullible, lazy fool who would buy your get-rich-quick “system” is very unlikely to write 10 half-assed posts, much less epic shit.

photo of ancient greek soldier

That‘s it!  

Make sure to append this article to your “system.”  It’s fool proof.  By that I mean no fool will ever get back his or her money. 



Author: AstroGremlin

Came to Earth recently.

12 thoughts on “How To Be an Internet Guru in 9 Easy Steps”

  1. Hahaha, I can’t decide whether you are joking, being cynical, or actually giving us serious advice, but I laughed a lot reading this article. Although attitude and appearances are very important in the “guru business”, knowledge and experience is important for creating long-term group of followers and subscribers. The guru market is so dense, people are becoming very critical and judgmental towards anyone who appears even the slightest bit fake. That is my personal observation, at least. Your article was still hilarious, good job!

  2. Good promotion in the modern marketplace is intrinsically focused on the web marketing. If I already am the guru of web marketing, (which I am), why would I need your help in promoting it? This question is much like searching for authors who will let you write their book for them. Its what they do!

  3. Satrap, seriously, I was thinking of your site as I wrote about building one’s “system” by gathering articles from the Internet. I remembered your amazingly comprehensive list of all the possible ways to generate money using the Internet. (I think it might be your CommentLuv link above) In your one post is a whole system. For free. And you don’t tell people they can do it without workig!
    Astro Gremlin recently posted..How to Build a CampfireMy Profile

  4. Astro,

    This is amazing. You should turn it into an e-book and sell it for $79.99 (but only to the first 100 people, after that price goes up!).

    Jokes aside, it really drives me crazy seeing all those so called “gurus” selling people useless stuff, pretending to be experts in their filed while in reality not knowing anything about it. Its all about the money unfortunately.
    satrap recently posted..101 Small Business IdeasMy Profile

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