Do you want to be an Internet guru?
Would you like throngs of customers to make you rich by buying your secrets to Internet riches?
Are you being held back by a lack of actual secrets or even basic knowledge?
Don’t despair. You are not alone.
Here are 9 easy steps to becoming an Internet guru
1) Don’t worry about having actual information. Knowledge is overrated in the Internet guru business. Attitude is everything. Imply that you are rich and famous, even though you are admittedly dumb and lazy.
2) Promise big. People looking to make riches on the Internet are dreamers. They want to dream big. Tell them that by using your “system” they can quit their day job, become unspeakably happy, and generate huge wads of cash. This can all be their’s without doing any real work, just purchasing your “system” and some typing.
3) Write an e-book discussing your “system.” Make sure not to include actual details. Include the phrase “millions of dollars” as often as you can. Don’t make your book too long and please
5) Sell your “system.” Your e-book will prepare your readers to cash in on the riches they feel they deserve. Every page should have a link to buy the secret “system” that made you rich and famous. People who feel they deserve quick riches typically don’t like reading for very long.
6) Price your “system” at $500. But quickly assure your new friends that, as devoted readers of your e-book, if they act today they can snag the bargain price of $99.
7) Imply that you may have lost your mind. But you care so deeply about alleviating human suffering and helping people like them quit the W word, that you, for a brief time, you have decided to give away the secret of Internet riches for only $99. Point out that this tiny fee barely compensates you for getting up off your couch to check the vast wealth being cranked out by your automated “system,” which they themselves will soon acquire. Strangely, your target customer will utterly empathize with your need to be paid handsomely for interrupting lounging.
8 ) Create your “system.” Don’t worry too much about this step. Pull a bunch of articles off the Internet and paste them together. Make sure to put in every possible piece of technical direction. Include the requisite advice “Content is king” and “Write epic shit.”
9) Offer a money back guarantee. If someone buys your system, completes every step and doesn’t become fabulously wealthy, they can have their money back. Don’t worry. The kind of gullible, lazy fool who would buy your get-rich-quick “system” is very unlikely to write 10 half-assed posts, much less epic shit.
Make sure to append this article to your “system.” It’s fool proof. By that I mean no fool will ever get back his or her money.