How To Be an Internet Guru in 9 Easy Steps

Do you want to be an Internet guru?  

Would you like throngs of customers to make you rich by buying your secrets to Internet riches?  

photo of a greek soldier for how to be an internet guru

Are you being held back by a lack of actual secrets or even basic knowledge?

Don’t despair.  You are not alone.

Here are 9 easy steps to becoming an Internet guru

1) Don’t worry about having actual information. Knowledge is overrated in the Internet guru business.  Attitude is everything.  Imply that you are rich and famous, even though you are admittedly dumb and lazy.

2) Promise big.  People looking to make riches on the Internet are dreamers.  They want to dream big.  Tell them that by using your “system” they can quit their day job, become unspeakably happy, and generate huge wads of cash.  This can all be their’s without doing any real work, just purchasing your “system” and some typing.

3)  Write an e-book discussing your “system.”  Make sure not to include actual details.  Include the phrase “millions of dollars” as often as you can.  Don’t make your book too long and please

4)  Don’t mention the “W word.”  “Work” has four letters, mmkay.photo of a phony greek soldier for how to be an internet guru

5) Sell your “system.”  Your e-book will prepare your readers to cash in on the riches they feel they deserve.  Every page should have a link to buy the secret “system” that made you rich and famous.  People who feel they deserve quick riches typically don’t like reading for very long.

6) Price your “system” at $500.  But quickly assure your new friends that, as devoted readers of your e-book, if they act today they can snag the bargain price of $99.

7) Imply that you may have lost your mind. But you care so deeply about alleviating human suffering and helping people like them quit the W word, that you, for a brief time, you have decided to give away the secret of Internet riches for only $99.  Point out that this tiny fee barely compensates you for getting up off your couch to check the vast wealth being cranked out by your automated “system,” which they themselves will soon acquire.  Strangely, your target customer will utterly empathize with your need to be paid handsomely for interrupting lounging.

8 ) Create your “system.”  Don’t worry too much about this step.  Pull a bunch of articles off the Internet and paste them together.  Make sure to put in every possible piece of technical direction.  Include the requisite advice “Content is king” and “Write epic shit.”

9) Offer a money back guarantee.  If someone buys your system, completes every step and doesn’t become fabulously wealthy, they can have their money back.  Don’t worry. The kind of gullible, lazy fool who would buy your get-rich-quick “system” is very unlikely to write 10 half-assed posts, much less epic shit.

photo of ancient greek soldier

That‘s it!  

Make sure to append this article to your “system.”  It’s fool proof.  By that I mean no fool will ever get back his or her money. 

 

 

How Not to Be a Knucklehead

Picture of Rosie the Riveter for how not to be a knuckleheadIn these changing times, many of us are asking “Am I a knucklehead?” 

If you are reading this, chances are good that you may know a knucklehead or even be one yourself.  

Don’t worry!  Together we can share tips and knowledge.

Use this How Not to Be a Knucklehead tips checklist to get started.

1.  Do not store cheese in your sock drawer.

2.  Do not allow your underwear to stick out more than 5 inches.

3. Do not pick up hot pans with your lips.  = (important one)

Wok of Dong
photo credit: liber

4.  Do not store bulky items like cupcakes in your shoes.

5.  Do not try to sleep in a pond.

6.  Do look around fairly often. 

7.  Do not text (or fry greasy foods) while driving. 

8.  Do ask smart people how to do stuff.

 

 

 

For the wolf fans...
photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar

9.  Do not pet a wolf in the wrong direction. 

10.  Tape this checklist of tips near your sleeping area.

This message has been a public service.  E-mail or provide the link to persons you suspect may be a knuckleheads.  

Working together we can share knowledge tips and not pick up hot pans with our lips.

How to Be an Eccentric Billionaire

Joker, or not?

How to be an eccentric billionaire: An easy, at-home course for the 99.99%  

Everyone knows the first step.  Get a billion dollars!  

But what if I don’t have a billion dollars yet?  Will I be ready?  Should I work on the “eccentric” part?  

Yes!

 OK.  How can I prepare to become an eccentric billionaire?  

You wouldn’t believe how glad I am that you asked that question.photo of gold coins for how to be an eccentric billionaire

Background:  What exactly does “eccentric” mean?  

Eccentric means “crazy” but in a different and special way.  

Regular people are crazy.  Wealthy people are eccentric.  

Do you see the difference?  It has to do with having money.

I don’t understand.  Crazy is crazy, no?

You confusion is understandable.  Let me explain.  

Crazy When Clem and Bobby sit on the back porch of their mobile home shooting at cans full of gasoline with a flare gun, that’s crazy.  Neighbors complain.  The police get involved.  Clem and Bobby are clubbed a few times and packed off to the local pokey.  The incident is written up for the police blotter and possibly shared with some reporter buddies.

vs.

Eccentric When Clive St. Parker-Swithens III stands on the back veranda of his mansion every morning and shoots his quail gun at rustling sounds, which may or may not turn out to be servants in the bushes, it’s different.  The police understand completely.  Clive is eccentric. The police help discretely fill out the paperwork and transport the wounded.  If necessary, they quietly discuss the matter with the neighbors.  Reporters are not alerted.

Analysis: Clive’s mother appreciates this fine police work and holds a ball every year for the Chief’s re-election campaign.  Clem and Bobby don’t.  Clive contributes generously to the charitable causes of other wealthy individuals.  Clem and Bobby don’t.  Clive has a fancy European quail gun.  Clem and Bobby have an Navy surplus flare gun.  Clem and Bobby are crazy.  Clive is eccentric.

What steps should I take to be more like Clive?

 Now you’re getting the picture.  Let’s begin:

photo of a man in a top hat for how to be an eccentric billionaire

1. Dress the part 

Clothes make the man.  Well dressed hobos are “travelers without funds.”  A full tuxedo with spats turns a crazy bum into a possible eccentric billionaire.  Get a top hat and a vest.  Wear them all the time.  But you have to do more.  Much more. 

2. Start a charity

All billionaires have pet charities, such as homes for wayward millionaires, or most often, diseases. Cancer, AIDS, heart disease.  Ho hum.  Do you want to just get on the bandwagon of someone else’s disease charity?  No!  Be bold.  Pick a disease that is “out there.”  Like toe fungus.

photo of toe fungus for how to be an eccentric billionaire  Ew, toe fungus?  Yes, your crusade against the scourge of toe fungus sets you apart.  You’re a maverick, a leader, a lunatic, that is, an eccentric.

3. Support an endangered animal like the unattractive and misunderstood fruit possum.

photo of an ugly animal for how to be an eccentric billionaire

Pick an animal.  It doesn’t matter what animal.  No one ever checks.  Find an animal that might be endangered and tell people that you support it’s fight to be recognized alongside cute, “charismatic” species that are getting all the money.  Often people will give you money just to stop you from showing them more pictures.

4.  Collect things

Wealthy people don’t have jobs.  Instead they collect valuable objects, which they later give away to museums.  The only thing stopping you is the “valuable” part.  But value is in the eye of the beholder.  You are eccentric.  That means you don’t care what other people think.  Go to garage sales.  Hang around trash bins outside beginner art classes after finals.  Go on e-Bay.  Collect whatever crap you can afford. 

photo of an ugly doll for how to be an eccentric billionairephoto of an ugly dog painting for how to be an eccentric billionaire You must always speak in hushed tones around your collection, gaze wordlessly in contemplation, and then mutter “so misunderstood” over and over.

photo of an ugly sculpture for how to be an eccentric billionaire

 As your your collection grows, you must drop hints at the future value of these unrecognized works, but never openly discuss their true value.  Fly into a rage if anyone asks what your collection is worth,

“Worth?  Only a soulless barbarian would put a price tag on ART!”  Then storm off muttering, “I need a drink.”

5.  Party

Eccentric billionaires party like it’s 1999.  After a long week of collecting, charity events, and resting, they need a belt.  You need to find a billionaire party.  Put on your fanciest duds.  If you have been following directions, you already have them on.    

How do I find a billionaire party?  Look for dead foxes.  Where there is a dead fox, there are usually wealthy fox hunters celebrating.  Walk in and apologize for missing “the fun.” Blend in and talk fox hunting.  It’s not that difficult.  Grit you teeth and talk about the “jolly good whippers-in” and “stalwart terrier men stopping a riot near the covert.”  Throw in a hearty “Tally Ho!” at every opportunity to get another drink.  Drink absinthe.  Go nuts.  You will blend right in.

6. Shoot large animals

When you have all the money in the world, it only makes sense to travel widely, discover the planet’s rich fauna, and shoot it.  Those with wealth seem to prefer parts of the world where people have no money and there are plenty of big animals.

Since your finances prevent actual travel and you only have a flare gun, you will need the next best thing.  Trophies.  Get yourself some stuffed animals and start making up great hunting stories.    

Stare wistfully at your trophy collection as you relate how much trouble it was to shoot each creature.  Emphasize your personal risk facing an understandably pissed-off beast armed only with your steely courage and a large caliber rifle. The closer you were to being devoured, trampled or badly licked the better.

That’s it!  You now are prepared to be an eccentric billionaire.  Except for the billion dollars.  Good luck with that.