Train to Be a Secret Agent (in your own home)
Do you like martinis, beautiful girls, and guns? You may want to consider a course of training in how to become a secret agent.
How hard could it be? You have watched secret agent movies, and realize that with just a little effort — in your spare time — you can prepare to be the next James Bond
Being a secret agent is actually not that hard. A few simple exercises in the comfort of your own home can prepare you to be a secret agent.
1) Can you keep a secret?
Exercise: Think of a secret. Keep it a secret as long as you can. Was it more than an hour? Good. You are on your way. Now expose yourself to extreme cold. Go outside or get into a freezer. Did you give away the secret after 30 minutes? If so, you should practice. If not, go to stage 2.
2) Can you take orders?
Go to a neighbor’s house and ask what they would like you to do. Carry out this mission. Even if your orders were simple, as in “just go away,” this counts, too. Good.
3) Weapons training
Secret agents must learn to improvise weapons. To practice, purchase a frozen chicken. Turn an ordinary object like a bacon fork into a deadly weapon. Attack the chicken and make snarky remarks like, “I think he got the point.” Grab another item, say, a submarine sandwich. Practice fighting with an imaginary assailant in the largest room in your home. Use wide swings and dodge, duck, dive and dodge. Clean up as necessary.
3) Dealing with seductive counteragents
Secret agents must learn how to keep cool when dealing with temptation. Pretend to have encountered a beautiful agent from the opposition. Hold out as long as you can. Clean up as necessary.
Time for a short break. Click the free sample MP3 play button to hear some sage advice from Johnny Rivers on dealing with pretty counteragents. Secret Agent Man (Live)
Infiltrate an ordinary room in your home. Try and blend in and be as sneaky as possible. Don’t panic if you get scared. Clean up as necessary.
5) Evading capture
Go out in front for your home. If someone tries to capture you, evade. If no one tries to capture you, congratulate yourself on your infiltration skills, covered above.
6) Operating advanced technologies
As a secret agent you will be called upon to operate missile systems, machine guns, and ejection seats installed in your secret agent car. Get in your car and pretend that the radio knobs operate complicated technology systems. If you don’t have a car, use the buttons on a washing machine. No clean up should be necessary.
7) Understanding satellite and space technologies
Secret agents tend to end up dealing with satellites. Your access to satellites may be limited to your TV. Set an ordinary kitchen timer and change channels on your TV.
8 ) Diffuse bombs just in time
Did the kitchen timer go off before you were done fooling around with the controls of your TV set? Or did you turn it off just in time, preferably with exactly 007 seconds left? If the latter, you have the makings of a secret agent. If not, practice. Clean up as necessary.
9) Dealing with gigantic explosions
Secret agents always have to get away just as explosives are destroying the headquarters of evil masterminds. Put an egg in your microwave. Stay for as long as you can and then run away. Clean up as necessary.
10) Returning to base
Practice your snappy, flirtatious repartee with a bank teller, a co-worker, or a neighbor. Drop as many double entendres as you feel is appropriate to get the message across. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. You may need to employ your skills in evading capture covered in lesson 5) above.
You are now prepared to apply for a position as a secret agent at your local secret agent headquarters. Good luck! If you follow all these steps, make sure to record them on your secret Ultra Compact Nano Cam – High Resolution Mini DV Camcorder – Undetectable Cam.
If you have enjoyed this preparation to become a secret agent, you may enjoy our full line of courses to become a superhero, thoracic surgeon, jet fighter pilot, or eccentric billionaire (my favorite). In fact, if you completed all the assignments in this course for secret agents, you may have mastered the “eccentric” in eccentric billionaire.
If you are looking for a hilarious secret agent film try this one.
Secret Agent Items include a secret agent cell phone cover, canine secret agent collar, glasses to see behind you, and secret agent cuff links.