Do You Consider “Good Morning” an Oxymoron?

photo of a toilet bowl with coffeeIf you are not a “morning person” here are some thoughts.  

If you ARE a morning person, please consider those of us who aren’t.

Morning, a time of excitement for those eager to meet the challenges of a new day.

For many, though, morning means one thing: the end of sleep.  

“Sleep,” the Bard wrote, “that knits up the raveled sleave of care.”  Sleep is the “Balm of hurt minds, great nature’s second course, Chief nourisher in life’s feast,” Shakespeare added in Macbeth.

And yet every day we give up this nourishing balm of sleep for the frenzied hell called morning.  

Man drinking from a toilet bowl-shaped coffee cup
Is this morning for you?

If you are a man, you probably scrape your face with a blade of some kind.  If you are a woman, you do comparable things to your face.

Morning is the time we hurriedly make ourselves “presentable,” that is, not like ourselves at all.

We accomplish this metamorphosis while the clock is ticking.   Time’s up, pencils down, this is how you are going to look today!


Most of us begin to function mentally only after several cups of a drink brewed from a tropical bean.  The medicinal beverage, called “coffee,” contains the powerful artificial stimulant caffeine.

To many of us, without cream and sugar, this bitter medicinal brew tastes like potion a rain forest medicine man would give you to cure something or enter a state of altered consciousness.  Altered consciousness is in fact the purpose of the bitter beverage.

chocolate and whipped cream with cherries in a toilet bowl mugCoffee can be made to taste better, by covering up its natural bitter flavor.

But let’s be honest: coffee is medicine.

An antidote to morning.

We’ve all had it drilled into us, Don’t Do Drugs.  Well, except for coffee.


Driving for Dollars

The bleary-eyed stupor called morning includes for many a stressful commute.  

Imagine an “Indianapolis 500” for half-asleep people desperately competing to arrive at work on time and keep their jobs.  Insane. 

Substitute rushing for a bus or train for commute.  About the same as a car, except you can miss it.

The Greeting

Imagine a short saying that comes across like the poke of a devil fork. 

At any time during morning hell, the select and chipper few will brightly chirp, “Good morning!”  

To me, wishing a non-morning person “good morning” is rubbing it in.  Like saying, “Happy amputation!” or “Enjoy your kidney stone!”

If you are a morning greeter, at least make a visual assessment of your solemn greetee and consider at least turning down the volume a tad.  

We know you love morning, and it would be wonderful if a loud and cheery incantation could make it better.  It doesn’t work like that.

Would you wish a leper “pleasant lesions” or hope a death-row inmate has a “great execution”?  

“Good morning” may make sense to some.  

But to a lot of us Morgenmuffels (German for “morning grouch”), it’s as irritating as a toilet bowl of hot, black coffee.

Send your “morning person” friends a subtle message with this gag coffee mug.

Morning People Cheerfully Slapped Canvas