Funny Irish Toasts Old and New

Photo of a copyright free Irish clover for Irish toastsIrish toasts are filled with well wishes, references to drinking, and hopes for the devil’s delayed awareness of one’s death.

In preparation for St. Patrick’s Day, some genuine Irish toasts, followed by some New Funny Ones!  Read On.

Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint– and another one!

May you be in heaven a full half hour
before the devil knows your dead.

May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and never catch up.

May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!

May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.

May you have food and raiment, a soft pillow for your head. May you be forty years in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead.

May the roof above you never fall in,
And those gathered beneath it never fall out.

An Irish Toast for a Bachelor
May you have nicer legs than yours under the table before the new spuds are up.

Source: Irish toasts at Island Ireland.com, the home of many more real Irish toasts and proverbs.

Now here are some NEW Irish toasts to prepare you for March 17.  Memorize them beforehand and toast away!

May the devil confuse your child with a potato and fail to take it.

May your house be exactly the right size to hold all your friends, but in comfortable positions.

Here’s to enough beer to drink, enough whiskey to be drunk, and a wife that doesn’t beat you too hard, when you come home completely inebriated.

May you never gain access to an automobile.

May your potatoes grow big, your children grow fat, your bar tab grow long, and your shamrocks grow flat.

May wild dogs find your body before the devil knows your dead, unless you’ve been good, but we know you haven’t been.

Click on the hat to turn into a leprechaun!

Here’s to a pint, two pints and some cabbage,  And plenty of coins in your couch when you rummage.

May you not confuse your wife’s sister with a wild hog and shoot her by accident.

May the road to the bar be flat in both directions.  With no cars, especially on the way back.  And sufficient safety features.  And not be a popular route of the devil.

May the bartender have failed arithmetic.

 

May your roof cave in, if you lack for libations,

So you don’t suffer long, from hallucinations.

Soon after he discovers your mother’s dead, may the devil ask for directions from a disoriented, drunken bum.

May your dog be the loyalest,

your friends be the bestest,

may the devil just find you,

wearing pants of asbestos. 

 

← Legitimate Irish toasts book (unlike these made-up ones)

 

 

Here’s to the devil being on vacation in case you get shot by a jealous spouse.

If you don’t wear green,

You’d better move fast,

Otherwise,

You’ll get pinched on your arm.

 

What’s worse than the snakes that St. Patrick drove out of Ireland?  Diluted whiskey! Traditional Irish whiskey stones chill any beverage without adding nasty, useless ice-cube water. Why dilute fine whiskey when you can rock it? 

Your turn!  Share your favorite Irish toast or add another new one.

Breath Spray Bestows Instant Irish Accent Use Irish accent breath spray before making a traditional Irish toast.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Shamrock photo credit: Wikipedia Commons

Looking for Irish gifts? Or just a bit of Irish luck? Or more Irish toasts and limericks? Or some more funny Irish sayings?

If you enjoyed this, you might enjoy Leprechaun with a Gun

News: The Book of Kells inscribed 1,200 years ago, now online.  Kells canvas 2